Eat Your Guilt

How a Nickelback joke led to some life shaping words.

“Big Nickelback fan?”

I was escaping the crowd at an event, finding refuge in a hallway. A girl was approaching from behind. She was commenting on my “5” tattoo on the back of my right arm. I always forget I have this tattoo. Once I figured out what she was referring to, I explained that it represented my hometown, historically a nickel mining town. Sudbury boasts a 30 foot “Big Nickel”. It’s a big five cent coin. Hence the “5”. Get it?

The event was for one of my favourite social ventures, Wirth Hats. Every hat they sell helps provide counselling for someone who can’t afford it. The nature of the event provided a safe space to talk openly about mental health. So of course, I started oversharing with this perfect stranger. I’d been worried about a friend who lives across the country who was struggling with their mental health. I felt helpless, and I’d been consumed by guilt and regret that I couldn’t be there for them.

Somehow, the conversation that began with Nickelback meandered into me telling her about this friend. This friend who lived too far away for me to be there for them. “And even if I did go” I said, “I probably wouldn’t have much of an impact without spending too much time with them. Plus, I wouldn’t even know how to deal with their situation”.

“Being there would mean throwing away a big part of my life,” I explained. “But not being there, I feel so – guilty.”

“So, eat your guilt,” she said.

I stood there for a few seconds, trying to make sense of what that meant. Seeing how puzzled I was, she continued.

“You can go help your friend. Sure. But you’ll probably be resentful toward them for taking away this other part of your life. Or, you can stay here with your guilt.”

“So I have to choose between resentment and guilt?” I asked.

“Pretty much,” she said. “So what do you want to feel?”

I reasoned aloud, “Well, resentment could really hurt our relationship. Guilt is mine alone. I can deal with guilt.”

“So eat your guilt,” she said. “This guilt is a part of you no matter what you do. So let it be a part of you. Own it. Stop wallowing in it and accept it. Chew up your guilt and swallow it.” 

She was stern. She said the words I needed to hear in that moment. She told me her name and disappeared into the crowd.

Her words have stuck with me ever since. Sometimes “let it go” doesn’t work. Sometimes, we have to “let it stay”. This doesn’t mean I can’t reach out to this friend. And maybe in another situation, resentment would be more palatable. But these words, from this stranger, have shaped my life in a small but impactful way.

A few words at the right time can give shape to your life. It’s my reminder to listen. And to share, when it’s safe to open up. A series of words. Otherwise meaningless. Connecting a part of my mind to a piece of my heart. This happens from time to time. Words with weight appearing in a song, or in written form, or from a friend. But the best is when they come from a stranger making a Nickelback joke. 

I’m like Yaya with his big anxiety and big energy. My life is rich in big emotions. I’ve come a long way to realize that, and a longer way to accept it. Often, these big emotions make decisions for me. But if I learn to understand them, if I welcome them with a loving curiosity, I can navigate them with a little more confidence. And self-compassion, self-love, inevitably follows.

Best,

Andrew, Yaya & Boo