Trigger warning: I talk about taxes.
Hey dog lovers. Today I’m gonna take you on a bit of an emotional one, for me at least. I’m learning that this isn’t a totally uncommon experience. So I want to share a bit about what’s been going on recently in hopes that it reaches someone who needs to hear it. In a way, it’s a journey from hopelessness to feeling hopeful. In a way, it’s just life being life. And I want to preface this with saying that this isn’t a call for sympathy, but rather just part of an exercise in building hopeful momentum. I’m writing this because this is the article I wish I’d read a few months ago.
This is a story about when life proverbially shits on you. Doubt quickly moves in. You question if you have enough grit for this. Or if you have the capacity to function at all in this soul crushing world. Like many of us, this has been my slowest year for work. It's not a complaint, this is just the way it currently is. And it sucks. I've been financially strapped, but what I've found myself lacking most is hope.
Last year, my ADHD diagnosed made it possible for me to start catching up to my taxes. But then the tax man called. Gulp. I answered, and found out that my amount owing was multiple times higher than what I'd expected (which was already going to be a challenge). My heart sunk. My world changed in that instant. Never in my wildest nightmares would I imagine I'd be drowning in this much debt. Just as life started to make sense. I was making big plans, and this is the ultimate test. I feel ashamed. I blame myself. But I want to share this because it's been a challenging year for a lot of us, and I want you to know that you're not alone (and in all likelihood, you're doing better than I am financially, so hooray for you!).
That phone call gutted me. How will I ever repay this? I spent a few weeks in absolute despair and disbelief. I spent the next few weeks disassociating entirely until my eyes completely fell out from too much screen time. And then I spent a few weeks actively squinting through the fog of debt looking for hope. I listened to accountants and insolvency agents and friends offering their advice. And last week, something happened. I woke up for my usual 5am panic attack, only to be met with something unfamiliar as of late: possibility. The reality of the situation was still there, but the weight was a little lighter. I started to believe the chorus of friends telling me that things will work out. That everything will be alright. That I’ll get through this.
“What if I can figure this out? What if everything does work out?” I thought.
The ingredients of hopelessness are irrelevant. This isn’t a story about debt. This is a story about finding hope. Not positivity, but possibility.
The Ingredients of Hope
Hopelessness is exhausting. Unfortunately, my default internal voice is a pretty negative one, and when I'm not taking action, it settles in quickly and comfortably. Hopelessness is digging in the sand with your bare hands. Hope is a shovel. A tool to work more effectively. Tara Brach says there are three elements to hope:
Aspiration: decide what you're aspiring towards.
Trust: trust in your ability to achieve it.
Action: direct your energy intentionally.
And then there's acceptance. Acceptance that what we aspire towards may look very different when we get there. But we also have to trust that when we get there, it'll be exactly what we need. If this resonates with you, listen to this episode of Tara Brach's podcast. Or apparently, the final episode of Bluey has some insight too.
So I had to asked myself some questions: what am I aspiring towards? The goal doesn't have to be too lofty. It needs to be achievable. What are some small actions I can take right now? And I'll take a quick moment to tell myself that I can do this. I can figure it out.
Change Your Routine
When I was feeling hopeless, day after day, there was one tool I came across that I thought was easy enough even for me to implement: change my routine. I wake up around sunrise, doom scroll for a bit, drink a glass of water, and bring the dogs down to the shore. My daily attitude echoed hopelessness. Work seemed pointless. I only found joy in being outside with the dogs. But this tool suggested something pretty simple: change your morning routine. Add something, take something away, or change the time you get up if you can. I added 10 minutes of writing (I do this while the dogs sniff around the driftwood on the shore when it isn't raining), and I replaced my depressed in bed morning time with stretching time. Honestly, it made a little difference. Sometimes a little is a lot. Like holding someone's hand for the first time.
It's All a Story
I remember reading Anne Lamott's Bird By Bird. She talks about how a good writer takes even the heaviest life experience for what it is: a good story. Big life events feel a little smaller when you zoom out. When you know that in the future you'll remember this as something hard, but something temporary. I have my health, which I'm truly grateful for. I work hard on my health, and my exercise routine is another thing I have to be grateful for. I have my dogs, and they have their health too. This is a life changing event for me, but who's to say if it's good or bad. Only time will tell. I've got a lot of work ahead of me, but dang, it's interesting, isn't it? Will he file for bankruptcy? Will he rise like a phoenix from the ashes of his tax receipts? Stay tuned.
Cosplay Being Hopeful
Maybe you're a better actor than I am. But this is a fun one. I make a to-do list every day to stay on top of things and to get that little dopamine release of checking it off. Scribbled in barely legible handwriting is a new item that reads “Cosplay being hopeful”. So I do my best to emulate my optimistic pals and their sanguine confidence. You can also mimic your dog. How little Yaya and Boo care about the tax man. How carefree are their frolics in the woods. How patient are they in waiting for the moment they can run relentlessly day after day. And yet everything works out for them.
Soon I’ll come on here with nothing but good news. That my new project has launched. That one of my books was featured somewhere. That I've overcome a huge hurdle. Or I found love, or an irrepressible joy for life. I’m learning to celebrate the good things more. I believe I will be here one day with good news. Hell, maybe in some mirky way, this is good news. Until then, I'll keep finding joy in the small things.
Ask For Help
If you remember Heidi Grant's 2019 Ted Talk , then you know it's not only ok, but sometimes necessary, to ask for help. To that point, HELP! If you want to help me veer from insolvency, my PayPal is andrew@andrewknapp.com.
I'm also having a Spring Cleaning Sale in my shop, as I have a lot of merch I've been hesitant to sell. Stickers, magnets, and enamel pins. You can also hire me to promote your product on my social media. If you or your company have a product you think I'd enjoy, let me know! Maybe we can work something out. You can also hire me to take photos of your dog if you're within driving distance from Vancouver. And of course, buying my books always helps!
Thank you all for reading. If you’ve experienced some harrowing adversity and have risen from it, please share what worked for you in the comments. I sure can use every last tool in the toolkit. And if you (like me) are going through it right now, I feel you so deeply. I hope that something in here lit something up for you. I promise you’ll be moving on from it soon.
Much love and hope,
Andrew, Yaya & Boo
As a fellow creative person with ADHD, your words really landed with me. I lost my main source of income last year and have been frantically trying to replace it with little success. It's a really scary spot to be in and survival mode is so incredibly taxing. If you haven't read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, I highly recommend it. It paints hopelessness in a very different light and has helped me greatly when things, well, fall apart. Hopelessness is groundlessness. You can move in any direction from that point. Hope keeps us tied to things that may not be working or a future that may not happen. Hopelessness keeps us present and gives us freedom. It's not for everyone, but it has definitely helped me stay focused on what I can do right now and keeps my mind from spiraling off into thoughts of what may or may not happen later, because we truly never know. You're a bright light, Andrew, and I know a solution will find its way to you. You WILL figure this out! Thank you so much for all that you share with the world!
I once heard a talk about how hope is a chain that connects us all. Sometimes you feel really hopeful and I have no hope, but you can send me hope through this vast network that we’re all a part of. You don’t have to hope alone, and when your well runs dry, other people will pour into it. So when you’re feeling hopeless about this, please know that I’m sending you lots of hope, and I know all your other readers are, too.