Good Men Needed

Doubling down on my surprisingly controversial message

I made what turned out to be a controversial statement on my social media. To me, it wasn’t a radical concept, and it isn’t novel, either. The gist of it was this: as men, we need to step up in our social and familial circles and strive to be, simply put, good men. Not just decent or acceptable, but role models actively pursuing a virtuous life, one that might be grounded in integrity, empathy, and self-discipline.

What made the statement contentious wasn’t the idea itself but the timing and context. I posted it the day after the elections, framing it something like this: “The more we see public-facing bigots, sexists, misogynists, and racists, the more we, as individual men, need to show up as their antithesis.”

Look, I’m in no position to be preaching a way to live. I mean, things have to be pretty bad to feel like my words could carry any weight at all. Would I read something a children’s book author wrote and take it as truth? But what I do see clearly in our culture is bullies with microphones. And I can’t help but believe that we need good soft voices, now more than ever. Voices that, collectively, can create a balance to the ones screaming into microphones. Maybe that’s all this is: a small, soft voice. Not nearly enough on its own, but part of a chorus that might somehow impact a few souls.

I know my words struck a chord, and the timing of my post sparked some hateful reactions. To me, this doesn’t undermine the truth of the statement; it speaks to the brokenness of the culture, where calling for decency can somehow feel incendiary. Have we weaponized decency? And can we disarm it?

Hopelessness creeps in often. Some days, it feels like it might take over. When it does, I’ll jump into a freezing cold ocean or wander through the forest aimlessly with the dogs. I try not to follow that invisible pull to my phone. Sometimes I’ll leave it at home. But mostly, I bring it. I like the metric of checking my daily steps. Did I hit 10,000 today? These colder months it’s closer to 6,000. It’s funny that getting outside becomes more important when the short cold days make it more difficult.

Boo, palate cleanser.

I believe much of the responsibility falls on men, but ultimately, it lies in ourselves, the man reading this, the man writing it. There is no blanket solution, but perhaps a way to steer the ship in a neutral if not better direction. Young men mirror the adult men in their lives. And in a culture where popularity is currency, they often look to the men with the biggest podcasts and bank accounts, figures who aren’t always the best examples to follow.

But what does it even mean to be a virtuous man? How do we put that idea into action? I’m absolutely not here to preach a school of thought. Maybe it’s therapy, exercise, learning to communicate effectively, or quelling bad habits. Maybe it starts with self-awareness. There are many virtuous paths, and each person has the privilege and responsibility to align their life with values that fit. Personally, I lean a little toward Stoicism, a philosophy centred on focusing on what you can control, accepting what you can’t, and living with resilience, virtue, and presence.

I don’t claim to be an authority on what it means to be a good man. I haven’t always lived virtuously or made the right decisions. I’ve been the bully. I’ve made mistakes. But here’s what I know: no matter who you’ve been, you can always decide who you become. Ignorance isn’t always a choice, but remaining ignorant is. And a soft voice doesn’t mean a weak one. A soft voice is often the most courageous. Silence is sometimes the only truth worth expressing. 

Yaya, palate cleanser.

For any women reading this: share this with a man in your life if you feel it might resonate. For any men reading this: I’d love to hear your take. How do you live virtuously? What moral compass do you align with? How often do you take stock of your shortcomings, your biases, your blindnesses, and your virtues? And are there young men in your life who might look up to you? 

And finally if this has somehow found its way into the eyes of a young man, I hope you are the young man who chooses his role models with intention. You will become that which you surround yourself with. So surround yourself with goodness. And take it from me: wrongdoing will starve your future self, but doing the right thing, especially when it’s difficult, will feed him. 

Lots of love,

Andrew, Yaya, & Boo