You know, I sent you a message when we read your book after our dog (Toby) passed away because it just was such a stunning book that really held our raw emotions in it's hands. BUT, when she passed, we had the vet come to our house and we let our 6yo son be there, if he wanted to, and when she was gone he held her paw and kissed her face and cried over her with me and my husband. It was devastatingly sad, and it was also lovely because we all grieved together. His pain and sadness is just as valid as ours and he got to say goodbye and he got to see that mom & dad are sad too. We hide too much from kids under the guise of "protecting" them, rather than guiding them through these "big scary emotions" so that when we aren't there to protect them they have experience to draw from. Kids are so much more than we give them credit for, and we do them a disservice when we sanitize how they experience life.
My son was 3 years old when we had to euthanize our 15 year old cat Jaspurr. My husband and I are not religious, so when we were discussing how to explain things to our inquisitive child we had decided to use died instead of passed, went to the farm, or heaven. One of the reasons was I remembered a family member's eulogy about her 3 year old asking "why they couldn't visit Grandpa in heaven. Why he didn't want to visit them anymore?" I couldn't imagine lying about an imaginary farm that the cat went to instead of staying with us... And I couldnt use a term like heaven when we don't believe in it.
So leading up to the day we described to our child that parts of Jaspurr's body weren't working anymore (kidney failure) and eventually her whole body would stop working and that's what it means to die. We had him in the room before and after the injection (I didn't want him to think that all injections cause death) and we said our goodbyes. A few months later we received our copy of Find Momo Everywhere which I read to my son. He'd noticed that I had been tearing up during the part when Momo died, and asked me to read it again which he typically doesn't do. When we again reached the part where Momo died he looked up tears welling and shouted "I miss Jaspurr!" proceeding to cry afterwards. We took time to cry together and talked about the things we missed about Jaspurr. He still has me read Find Momo Everywhere, we don't cry as much as each reading, but overall I think this has been one of the best books for talking about pet loss at least for non-religious people.
It is a well-known fact that everyone on this plane has their own level of sensitivities, however, death should be the one thing that all should be taught about in a straightforward manner. The process of death is going to be hard no matter the angle. As stated, death is truly inevitable. My first dog, German Shepherd Schatzi had died unexpectedly two years ago, and I was not prepared for it. No one ever is. It is a scary thing to face especially when head on with no warning. The best thing for all and most importantly young children growing up is to know what death is, to die and never return. "You can't expect a dog to run into a scary world without them knowing a little bit about it first." Having that little bit of exposure would make that difference in maturity and knowledge, making you a little more comfortable for what is to come, the inevitability. That can be said on many occasions. Life is truly an experience, and death is a reminder to live your experience to the max. Maybe then would everyone be somewhat happier to just be.
We always tried to be straight with our kids when someone, person or pet, died. We always used the words died or dead. To this day it raises my hackles when I hear someone say "They passed." No, they died. We took our 2 year old to his grandfather's funeral. We had already discussed Grampa's death with him. I love little kids at funerals. It was a small funeral and Kris was the only child there. Most attendants were in their 60's or above. Kris wandered around and said hello to everyone. They all talked to him about his Grandpa which was so sweet. I'm sure Kris doesn't remember the funeral at all but it solidified for us the whole idea of talking to the kids about the person who has died. We didn't make any flowery promises about heaven. We have had several similar discussions with our grandkids about our farm animals who have died. Our youngest grandson spent several visits to us demanding to go out to the pasture to see if the dead horse had come back yet. He was the only one who processed the loss of an animal at the age where forever wasn't something he really understood. All in all, I'm pleased with the way we handled these experiences and thrilled with how our kids handled them with their kids. I think talking about death in terms of Momo is a good thing. I certainly had a conversation about his death with my grandkids. They had all read several of your Momo books and felt like they knew him. All of them were sad but that's exactly the appropriate reaction.
Parents should be in touch with their young ones to know when and what (IF they are connected) levels they are prepared for. Listen, stop talking if it's obviously over their heads. They have questions? answer honestly..
I understand thinking that death could be too heavy a topic, but it should not be avoided. My childhood dog, Alvin, died when my daughter was 5, and I actually used a couple of books to help us explain that to her. When she was a teenager and her boyfriend (now-husband) lost his childhood dog, she gave him one of the books I had given to her all those years before. It was so helpful, especially considering these were their "first" losses.
I really appreciate this conversation. I think so many adults feel uncomfortable about discussing death because they are afraid of it, which is valid, but it’s also inevitable. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and not talking about death with them is doing them no justice. When our dog Roxie died my kids were 2 and 4. It was difficult to navigate our own grief and help our children understand what happened. I never hid my tears or grief from my kids, and was honest about why I was sad. They were sad too, and knowing they could cry and grieve with us, I believe, was a comfort for them. We were honest that Roxie had died, and she would not be with us in her physical form (body) again. My son and I both sobbed reading your book, but in a healing way. There is beauty in life and in death, and we continue to keep Roxie’s spirit alive by sharing our memories about her and looking at pictures of her all the time. I know I’ve said it before, but thank you, Andrew, for tackling this topic head on in such a beautiful way.
So timely to read this now. Our daughter’s school had a student die tragically two days ago. Yesterday the school district sent out an email to all families basically outing what you’ve just written about.
When my partner, Andrew, died 3 years ago, I was unsure how to handle my grief around my great-nephew, who was then 5. His parents, who are honest with him about everything, assured me that my nephew would understand sadness and tears — and he did, and proved himself an empathetic little guy. Sometimes we understand kids' EQ?
Thank-you well written and well said. Some cultures are more open about death than others. I believe that if we include death and dying in children's conversation, you'll find they'll adapt quicker. Some of the research papers that I volunteer reviewing recently on teaching children about dementia revealed a better understanding and more empathy instead of confusion and fear.
Andrew, your piece "Is Death Too Big for Kids" thoughtfully addresses a delicate subject with sensitivity and depth. Your insights into discussing mortality with children are both enlightening and compassionate. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this important topic.
You know, I sent you a message when we read your book after our dog (Toby) passed away because it just was such a stunning book that really held our raw emotions in it's hands. BUT, when she passed, we had the vet come to our house and we let our 6yo son be there, if he wanted to, and when she was gone he held her paw and kissed her face and cried over her with me and my husband. It was devastatingly sad, and it was also lovely because we all grieved together. His pain and sadness is just as valid as ours and he got to say goodbye and he got to see that mom & dad are sad too. We hide too much from kids under the guise of "protecting" them, rather than guiding them through these "big scary emotions" so that when we aren't there to protect them they have experience to draw from. Kids are so much more than we give them credit for, and we do them a disservice when we sanitize how they experience life.
What a gift you gave your son 🥹
🙏💖💖💖💖💖🙏
My son was 3 years old when we had to euthanize our 15 year old cat Jaspurr. My husband and I are not religious, so when we were discussing how to explain things to our inquisitive child we had decided to use died instead of passed, went to the farm, or heaven. One of the reasons was I remembered a family member's eulogy about her 3 year old asking "why they couldn't visit Grandpa in heaven. Why he didn't want to visit them anymore?" I couldn't imagine lying about an imaginary farm that the cat went to instead of staying with us... And I couldnt use a term like heaven when we don't believe in it.
So leading up to the day we described to our child that parts of Jaspurr's body weren't working anymore (kidney failure) and eventually her whole body would stop working and that's what it means to die. We had him in the room before and after the injection (I didn't want him to think that all injections cause death) and we said our goodbyes. A few months later we received our copy of Find Momo Everywhere which I read to my son. He'd noticed that I had been tearing up during the part when Momo died, and asked me to read it again which he typically doesn't do. When we again reached the part where Momo died he looked up tears welling and shouted "I miss Jaspurr!" proceeding to cry afterwards. We took time to cry together and talked about the things we missed about Jaspurr. He still has me read Find Momo Everywhere, we don't cry as much as each reading, but overall I think this has been one of the best books for talking about pet loss at least for non-religious people.
Now I'm crying ❤️
It is a well-known fact that everyone on this plane has their own level of sensitivities, however, death should be the one thing that all should be taught about in a straightforward manner. The process of death is going to be hard no matter the angle. As stated, death is truly inevitable. My first dog, German Shepherd Schatzi had died unexpectedly two years ago, and I was not prepared for it. No one ever is. It is a scary thing to face especially when head on with no warning. The best thing for all and most importantly young children growing up is to know what death is, to die and never return. "You can't expect a dog to run into a scary world without them knowing a little bit about it first." Having that little bit of exposure would make that difference in maturity and knowledge, making you a little more comfortable for what is to come, the inevitability. That can be said on many occasions. Life is truly an experience, and death is a reminder to live your experience to the max. Maybe then would everyone be somewhat happier to just be.
Thank you for sharing, Andrew! :]
We always tried to be straight with our kids when someone, person or pet, died. We always used the words died or dead. To this day it raises my hackles when I hear someone say "They passed." No, they died. We took our 2 year old to his grandfather's funeral. We had already discussed Grampa's death with him. I love little kids at funerals. It was a small funeral and Kris was the only child there. Most attendants were in their 60's or above. Kris wandered around and said hello to everyone. They all talked to him about his Grandpa which was so sweet. I'm sure Kris doesn't remember the funeral at all but it solidified for us the whole idea of talking to the kids about the person who has died. We didn't make any flowery promises about heaven. We have had several similar discussions with our grandkids about our farm animals who have died. Our youngest grandson spent several visits to us demanding to go out to the pasture to see if the dead horse had come back yet. He was the only one who processed the loss of an animal at the age where forever wasn't something he really understood. All in all, I'm pleased with the way we handled these experiences and thrilled with how our kids handled them with their kids. I think talking about death in terms of Momo is a good thing. I certainly had a conversation about his death with my grandkids. They had all read several of your Momo books and felt like they knew him. All of them were sad but that's exactly the appropriate reaction.
Parents should be in touch with their young ones to know when and what (IF they are connected) levels they are prepared for. Listen, stop talking if it's obviously over their heads. They have questions? answer honestly..
Or don't....most don't 🤷.
Great job Andrew 🫶👏👏👏👏🙏🫶
I understand thinking that death could be too heavy a topic, but it should not be avoided. My childhood dog, Alvin, died when my daughter was 5, and I actually used a couple of books to help us explain that to her. When she was a teenager and her boyfriend (now-husband) lost his childhood dog, she gave him one of the books I had given to her all those years before. It was so helpful, especially considering these were their "first" losses.
I really appreciate this conversation. I think so many adults feel uncomfortable about discussing death because they are afraid of it, which is valid, but it’s also inevitable. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and not talking about death with them is doing them no justice. When our dog Roxie died my kids were 2 and 4. It was difficult to navigate our own grief and help our children understand what happened. I never hid my tears or grief from my kids, and was honest about why I was sad. They were sad too, and knowing they could cry and grieve with us, I believe, was a comfort for them. We were honest that Roxie had died, and she would not be with us in her physical form (body) again. My son and I both sobbed reading your book, but in a healing way. There is beauty in life and in death, and we continue to keep Roxie’s spirit alive by sharing our memories about her and looking at pictures of her all the time. I know I’ve said it before, but thank you, Andrew, for tackling this topic head on in such a beautiful way.
So timely to read this now. Our daughter’s school had a student die tragically two days ago. Yesterday the school district sent out an email to all families basically outing what you’ve just written about.
When my partner, Andrew, died 3 years ago, I was unsure how to handle my grief around my great-nephew, who was then 5. His parents, who are honest with him about everything, assured me that my nephew would understand sadness and tears — and he did, and proved himself an empathetic little guy. Sometimes we understand kids' EQ?
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Thank-you well written and well said. Some cultures are more open about death than others. I believe that if we include death and dying in children's conversation, you'll find they'll adapt quicker. Some of the research papers that I volunteer reviewing recently on teaching children about dementia revealed a better understanding and more empathy instead of confusion and fear.
I did an episode on this issue for my (now-defunct) podcast with grief expert Coleen Ellis. Here's the link if you'd care to listen:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/00GLViTleWySftseiC6au5?si=TiyOULWBRuKDQ72RbY-12g
Andrew, your piece "Is Death Too Big for Kids" thoughtfully addresses a delicate subject with sensitivity and depth. Your insights into discussing mortality with children are both enlightening and compassionate. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this important topic.